Why I stayed

I’ve been struggling with this question for what seems like a really long time now. I sometimes find myself still trying to figure that out. I have yet to come up with an answer that truly answers that question in a whole as to why I stayed. Its the nagging question that everyone wants to know followed by the judgmental “that could never be me” “I would never let that happen to me.” Why did I stay? Before any of this had happened to me the only interaction I had with domestic violence was the women I saw on TV. I knew it was wrong and it angered me to watch these women let themselves get treated like this, granted it was only a movie but the violence is very real to some. I also found myself saying how? why? that can’t be me, why doesn’t she just leave! Well let me just say that its easier said than done. I unfortunately found out it just doesn’t work that way for some. I believe that women are nurturers by nature and we definitely have more emotional attachment than men do. We want to fix things and we want to change things and we also see the good in a person once the potential has been shown. I didn’t necessarily want to fix him per say but I wanted him to be the man that he had shown me and had told me he would be. I had already seen the good in him, the person he showed me in the start. The person that I had told all my secretes to and had said you never have to be afraid and that’s never going to happen to you again. That was the security blanket that I had always wanted. I’m just going to tell you why I stayed.
As women we want security and we want to be taken care of and before you start saying “I can take care of myself, I don’t need a man” that’s a bunch of bullshit and you still have a lot of growing up to do so sit your ass down somewhere and by all means I’m not saying that women can’t do that because we certainly can. We can also be independent and make our own ways however all those things can only satisfy you for so long. Biological clocks start ticking and the thought of marriage starts to creep in our heads, we want something more. What I mean is okay let me ask you this, have you ever experienced something deep? In this case I’m going to say love, once you’ve experienced love you cant undo it we cant go back from that experience. We look for that euphoria or whatever it was that we experienced in the next person or in the same person because people change right. There’s nothing that compares to the security you get from a man or the warmth you get from a woman and no dildo or blow up doll is going to replace that. Well I wanted all those things, I was still young when I met him and i was very impressionable ..Love can make you do things you normally wouldn’t do. I don’t want to blame it completely on love, I made lots of selfish mistakes thinking they were for the best. I didn’t know how to let go, I was very confused about what was happening to me. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, I wanted to despite of what he had put me through. I wanted to keep on trucking. I had seen my parents have some difficult times and I just thought i was going through mine (I had to stick by my man right). I had put him on top of everything in my life even my own and my kids. I would have done anything for that man. I think he saw that and he was never in love with me and I was his prey. I remember that whenever I got that courage to talk back or leave he would put me back in place by busting eardrums or leaving me for a few days alone, no food no cable no car no telephone, then he would come back home and say that there was no way I could survive without him. Please understand i don’t want your sympathy I just want you to know where my mind was , unfortunately it was not in a good place. I had been physically and mentally abused. However writing this I cant help but to not put all the blame on him, I know some might disagree but I need to understand the things that i did wrong. I allowed all of this to happen to me because I had plenty of opportunities to leave him and never look back. I wasn’t a slave or he did’t keep me locked up in some basement I was free to leave when i wanted to but I didn’t. I was just psychologically unstable and he had put me in that state of mind. I had left a few times and I would return to him like a dam lost in the mail package ( return to sender if lost) I felt lost and felt a wave of emotions that just plagued me. His constant fear that I would call the police or tell someone that he was abusing me scared him. He took advantage of my naive-ness and he studied me, looking back I can see that now. He would ask the right questions and use them against me when he saw fit. One thing I found interesting or weird was his sexual appetite I don’t even know what to call it. he always wanted to have sex at the weirdest times, after he beat me and even when i said no. I swear i was raped lots of times. He always wanted to have sex in public places and at the strangest times. Of course I couldn’t say no even if I was sick. One time I had felt so sick for weeks and had high fever and I finally was like I need to go to the doctor, when we got to hospital he wanted to have sex with me in the parking lot and mind you I had fever and I felt like i was going t die, he convinced me to get in the back and he had sex with me and I wound up having pneumonia and was dying. He didn’t care he just laughed. One thing I will never understand is “why” why did he do this to me, why did I go through this? What was the purpose of this? I probably will never get an answer. I’m not entirely sure if i’ll be okay with that. I still struggle with it till this day. I’m trying this writing thing out to see if writing it down will help me heal but I honestly don’t see that happening. I still drink heavy and I cant write about it without drinking. It’s something that’s going to stay with me forever. I wanted him to love me,I wanted him to save me from everything that had to do with life. I relied on him. I wanted him to do what I had done for him, I was waiting for my time for him to love me. I thought that if we weathered the storm that things would turn around be good. I had loved him and I had done eve thing that i felt like i could of done to help him out. I knew he loved money so money is what I thought was gonna fix things. I was working two jobs at a time till i was nine months pregnant. Nothing I ever did was good enough, He cheated and I always got blamed for everything that went wrong. Though I always felt like everything was my fault like i was not doing enough, I wanted him to stay even though he didn’t want me.I cut every piece of myself for him. I was scared to be alone and that’s a really scary place to be in because you would do things you normally wouldn’t do. I know some of you will read this and say WTF! I would of ran away. However until you’re in those shoes then you wont ever understand why anyone stays, I think we all have our very different reasons as to why. there’s no textbook right answer.

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