the abuse part 2

First of all let me apologize for my writing on my last post.. Also for the long wait for my next post.. See in order for me to write I need to be in certain state of mind which I haven’t been in… I hate to be unrealistic and fake about my feelings. I need to able to take myself to that actual date and time for them to able to real, raw and unfiltered. In other words I need to become Lola..
I guess most people who develop these alter egos are either looking to obviously become someone else or looking to protect themselves in which they couldn’t do so in their regular state of mind.. kind of like a Clark Kent and Superman affect.. I can’t write or tell my story without becoming her.. she is my inner diva and my lost child-self but she is also my ego is bare persona..
I’m sure lots of you have questions as to how and why.. however that’s for the next blog post and title… this is about my abuse still.
Forget about my last blog.. Like I was saying he had never put his hands on me till I was eight months pregnant. We had discussions but we never had altercations till then.. I couldn’t believe it.. It was like I was in a dream world, but none the less I was in my new reality. The abuse didn’t get bad till later. At first it was just minor slaps here and there. Since he noticed that I wasn’t going to call the cops or his mom.. he felt like it was ok..
My mother gave me this piece of advise a long time ago.. “A man only does what you allow him to do”.. These words did not have resignation with me till later on life when I knew what she meant. Needless to say I allowed him to do everything to me.. He belittled me.. abused me and raped me.. It’s what you do to someone when you need to gain control of them.. I till this day want to know why. However I know that resolution will never come..
like I said it started off slow with slaps here and there. soon they escalated to bruises on my legs and arms.. he carefully placed them all in hiding places. He was not stupid at all.. what got to me at times was the fact that he would help me hide them at times.. like if he slipped up and hit me in my face he would help me put my makeup on and even draw my bath and comfort me.. Until you experience what someone like me has then you will never understand why I stayed. those acts were like when someone tells you they love you.. They were gentle acts of someone who you wish was real.. like when he gives you flowers or takes you on a date.. those gentle acts were those things to me.. He nurtured my bruises that he made.. caressed my hair that he pulled….. and covered it all up while acting like the wonderful man he was..
No one knew for a long time what was going on.. till the bruises couldn’t be covered anymore and my faced showed it..
My 21st birthday was one i’ll never forget.. I was working for my brother in law as a waitress.. they knew it was my 21st and proceeded to celebrate with alcohol after my shift.. well when he came and came picked me up he was so mad that I was drunk that I remember he acted like everything was fine when we were around everyone….. till we got home…. He beat me and he also had a cake for me which I didn’t know about.. He just shoved it right in my face and beat me basically all night.. mind you I got off at 5..5 hours of hell that’s how I spent my 21st..
I must have left this man like a total of 4 times that I can think off.. Every time I kept going back. He had this hold on me that till this day I cant explain.. He said jump and I said how which way and how high…
I remember us being homeless but yet he still took care of me and our son.. I had to go get McDonald’s vouchers.. It was one of the lowest points in my life but still dint make me leave.. He made me feel like everything was going to be ok..
Every time I left he would find some way to find me.. I thought about deporting my own self.. I just thought that if I would go back home to my country that I wouldn’t have to deal with him.. At this time I was going crazy and bulimic and thinking irrational thoughts.. I was in pain… He would beat me for not making dinner or not having his way.. He busted my eardrum because I stood up to him.. He even took my kids for a month when I wanted to send them to Honduras and he promised me that he would sign the papers for them to able to go..bullshit.. He drew a gun out on me he played with me and treated me like a toy. I remember when I left for the last time. he came to my parents house to where I was .. when he showed up I was paralyzed with fear I couldn’t even open the back door.. .. Don’t ever think that what he does is ok… just leave.. I know you feel like he’s your everything but I promise you he’s not… I was alone with two extra children and I never felt more alone. especially after they tell you you’re nothing without them.. and that’s when I developed Lola ….and I never felt more alive….

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