The abuse

I hate talking about this.. it has become one of biggest fears.. however none the less here it goes… abuse of any kind is never ever ok.. I had the unfortunate reality to experience physical, mental and rape…. my abuser was at one time my lover, my protector and my confidant.. I would have done anything for hear me… anything…. and I did….

like I was saying he didn’t put his hands on till I was 8 months pregnant with his son…

it happened so suddenly… I was at one point telling him that I wanted to go home and I was miserable.. so he told me to pack my bags and leave.. GOOOO!! He said… so I proceeded to pack my things and go.. I was at the sliding door when I felt someone yank me back in by my coat… I thought to myself there’s no way he’s that crazy that he would put his hands on me!!.. I was fucking wrong.. he pulled me all the way in back to room and proceeded to choke me.. He however was careful not to harm my stomach and it’s something that I’ve never forgotten about.. I think that it also played a crucial part in me always forgiving him!… He choked me and slammed me against the bedroom door… at that point I’ve never been so scared in my life.. I can’t even remember what he said to me.. I was just so scared for my baby inside my motherly instinct was on overdrive.. so I played the part.. I played the part like I had learned to play the part years ago from my past abuse.. like i was in survival mode but at the same time I was scared little girl.. I could never ever forget that day… no matter how much I tried.. If you have never experienced any type of abuse then what I’m about to say next you won’t be able to relate.. The light In his eyes went out… they all of a sudden went from brown to black.. It wasn’t him.. I mean I was looking straight at them. There was no where else to look.. The guy that I thought I knew wasn’t there at all.. and it was like he was looking at me like I was a thing and not a person.. then all of a sudden his eyes came back and it was like he realize what he was doing and we were on the bed at that point and he got off me and walked away.. I was so fucking scared my body wanted to run…… but my heart and my inner voice said go see if he’s ok… like what the fuck??!! Go see if he’s ok!???? Are you fucking joking me?? This man just got done choking you!!..

So I went to go see if he was ok.. I was compelled to … or so I felt.. I was scared and terrified yet somehow feeling like he wouldn’t hurt me again because when I saw him it was like looking at baby or some sort of hurt animal that needed a medic..

that was the first time he put his hands on me and I was eight months pregnant.. it was just all down hill from then.. we eventually moved back down to Texas and had two jobs and I supported him or us.. I had to give him all my money.. ok I know what you’re thinking… why?? He managed to isolate me from my family and my friends.. none of them loved me and none of them had the love he had for me.. according to him this is what he said… if they lived me like they said they did they would have and came and rescued me from him already.. how sick is that?? But also how sick was I?? He had beat me down so hard that I believed his bullshit.. I was left alone again with my thoughts and no one ever came through to help that I started to believe him.. I believed that my family didn’t love me and I had no friends..

please be aware that what I’m about to tell you was from a girl who didn’t know any better..

where do I start? .. he battered me to the point where I was lost .. I was in this in inception that I couldn’t t get out of.. all this whole also going to church.. yeah he claimed to be a man of

He would always abuse me on my body and not only face.. because he didn’t want people to see or call the cops:. .. I left him like 4 times but each time I kept going back.. because he would always say I’m sorry .. Im sorry baby I didn’t know that I was doing and I would never do it again.. lies all fucking lies..

He would play baseball with me.. let me explain.. he would have me stand against the wall and he would throw all kinds of objects at me.. I would have to dodge them all because he accused me of being a whore and a slut and all that shit.. he also abused my sons.. my eldest which is why I lost him.. and his son.. I felt so torn.. as a mother.. but also as his prisoner.. I felt so alone.. I didn’t do anything.. I was such a chicken shit.. it cost me me my son.. writing this still gives me panic attacks.. I became bulimic because I just wanted to have something to have control over.. and I was going insane..

To be continued…….


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s