pregnant at 15

When I was kid I never really gave it much thought to how my adult life would play out. I just took it day by day. Looking back on it now I don’t think I would have ever imagined that it would have happened this way, or at least half of the shit that has happened. Choices and consequences is what I always tell my kids. I knew the concept but as I was growing up I didn’t think too much about it, or at least the consequences. When I was 15 I got pregnant.. I was terrified to tell my parents.. however I got through it.. I gave birth to a baby boy.. This baby boy was not the light of my life.. I cant write in good conscious and lie to you and say “oh he was the joy of my life”.. He was not. I had this motherly instinct to protect and provide for him but that was about it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t love his father or even myself. How can you love someone else when you don’t even love yourself. I felt disconnected to him. I sometimes felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was broken. I never talked about it with anyone or even shared it because I felt ashamed about it. How can a mother not love her child!!!?? Nobody would understand, that’s just the way I felt.. I was raising him and caring for him like I was his babysitter. I know what you’re probably thinking… Maybe I should have gave him up for adoption if I didn’t love him.. The thing was I felt like I was one foot in and foot out if that makes any sense.. I was 15 and new to motherhood and with a huge responsibility.. however feeling like I wasn’t ready.. His dad and I split custody and never really saw eye to eye. I didn’t make things easy for him either.. I took some things out on him but that’s neither here nor there. I was split between actually having this motherly love for him and just having basic instinct to care for another human life.. Don’t get me wrong I have some compassion for people but sometimes I don’t.. Let me explain.. As I sit here writing I’m also conflicted with emotions.. part of me cares and there’s this other part of me that’s screaming FUCK it you don’t need to explain yourself but I have to explain myself I cant just leave it unsaid.. Around the same time… I had some abortions.. 4 to be exact.. NOBODY has ever known about this dirty little secrete about me.. I just think that its crucial to talk about it.. I want to say that these decisions were made with the other parent and we both decided that it was not a good idea to not have kids.. We were really unprepared and very immature.. what’s funny to me is that a few years later he had a kid with another woman.. I was hurt.. I know some of you might say 4!! how can you have 4?? I ask that same question every time I think about it.. When I went and was at the actual place.. I had to take myself to lala land and tell myself that it was the right thing to do.. that’s how I got over it and got through it but I also didn’t have a connection to them. I never let myself have that much feeling.. That’s how I was able to loose my first born… oh yeah I lost him… sending me deeper into becoming this person (Lola) who I never asked to become in the first place…. I lost my son and I will explain how that happened later. But first I will tell you how I met my kids father and how that happened

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