Becoming Lola

So it’s late at night and for some reason I can only find the courage to write this late. Maybe silence and I have become good friends.. anywho where did I leave off.. Ok so I talked a little about my childhood. to further explain that- that event set me on a path of self destruction, I became a quiet child very timid and shy. I didn’t trust any adults or family. I felt like someone always wanted something from me. I had to grow up very quickly mentally not physically. It was an uneven emotional battle that I struggled with for a long time . I ask myself what type of adult would I be now if I hadn’t experienced this?. Am I even functional now?… Not to say that what happened was great or anything but did this help shape me into the woman and mother that I am now? I struggle with that question all the time.. I actually question everything and when I say everything I mean everything.. When it comes to God, when it comes to faith, or destiny.. I think that when you’re a victim of something that traumatizes you or brings pain you tend to ask why.. Why me??? I’m angry for the things that happened that I had no control over. Even though people say everything happens for a reason and I’ve even said that before to help other people cope… but that’s it– it just helps people cope with the things that they no answers to.
This distrust that I developed for people somehow manifested into me being able to disassociate myself from any adult. I mean any adult.. My mother my father and my siblings.. sometimes I looked at them and I felt no love, it was emptiness, a blank stare like a total stranger if you will.. But then I would snap out of it and compassion flooded through.. It was the weirdest feeling to able to do that.. Please understand that I wasn’t having a temper tantrum and just saw them that way when I was mad, it was out of the blue. Maybe other people experience this…Here’s what I’m trying to get into… fast forward to my teenage years when I lost my virginity but later you’ll understand that this isn’t all I was trying to explain.. Ok here go ( panic attack)… annnnnnnnnd a shot of adrenaline…..
There was this boy who I had a crush on and he was one of my brothers’ friends. He was a thug.. my brothers were in a gang and he was part of that.. He was a year older than me… one day he grabbed me by the hand and started to pull me towards my house.. my house was like right down the street from the school.. so this was around our lunch break and we were just hanging on the side of the school.. so he pulls me towards my house and we go in… my heart was racing and I couldn’t believe that this was happening and yet I couldn’t do anything about it… my body was like a robot and it just went with it. It was the longest shortest 5ish minutes of my life at that time…ok fine I’ll say 10ish lol……I don’t even think words were exchanged between us.. I have no recollection of any words being spoken between us…. I was 13 and that’s how I lost my virginity…………………….
There was no fairytale love or Romeo and Juliet love story.. and I will always remember this for the rest of my life.. I wont talk too ill will about him because he’s no longer living.. As for me… I gave something that is supposed to be so sacred and you’re supposed to save for someone special.. and I just gave it away like it was nothing… because it was nothing to me.. I had already experienced some sort of sexual conduct.. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences or how it felt.. Honestly I remember it being painful and that’s about it.. My body had shut down to idea and fact.. yet I can’t sit here and explain in good conscious why I went along with it.. I can just say that I had disassociated myself with him and myself.. if that makes any sense.. and if doesn’t please don’t be afraid to ask me… there was no love no intimacy but then again I was 13 and I had no idea what those things were.. I only knew that it was an act and its what men wanted.. and men had betrayed me in the past.. no one to turn to…no one to ask for help. I was alone with my thoughts and my dirty little secrete of what had happened to me.. It sometimes made me feel like by being me that I had brought this upon myself.. Listen I’m Hispanic/Latina and my parents struggled to raise us.. there was no therapy or psychiatrist that they could send me to.. I had to struggle with this on my own and deal with the personal thoughts in my head that haunted me on a day to day basis.. I had my string of partners for the next few years… and none meant anything to me.. I just looked at them and felt nothing and I treated sex like it was nothing.. I was a kid and I didn’t know what I was doing or what I was supposed to feel… nothing fulfilled me and yet I was looking for something (not knowingly).. but no one could bring me out of this abyss.. sending me deeper into become Lola…..even when I got pregnant at 15…

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